uncle van’s cabin

January 2008… I’ll be taking the comprehensive exam and hopefully pass it… Now I’m having second thoughts.

Last Wednesday the Graduate Office sent me a message that I take it August 2008. The reason? Only two of us in the M.ED in ESL program applied for the January compre and they need at least three. I texted Jureca and Paul if they’ll take it with us but only Jureca responded that she will and that we’ll study together. She can’t push it for another school year she said since she wants to avail the salary increase in her school.

Now there will be three of us! But I’m not sure now if I’ll really take it. I’ve been praying for this but I’m afraid it’ll remain unanswered. I’ve noticed that my performance in ISA as a teacher this school year isn’t outstanding. It’s not even satisfactory. I failed at Literary Contests and that one thing I’ve been asking hasn’t been granted. I’ve been praying that at least I’ll have something to add there for a better resume but all fell on deaf ears. I’m afraid it’ll be the same thing with this exam. I admit that I haven’t had enough time to study but I’m doing the best I can to make the most of my limited time. I even planned that I won’t go home so I can study but when I was told that I take the exam on Aug 2008 I felt that God’s telling me something. I don’t know what that is but in my gut I know that I’m doing the right thing of taking it this January. I even managed to convince Jureca to take it with us. I hope Sarrina and Jivsy will take it too.

This exam isn’t ordinary for me. I admit that when I took the LET I was confident that I could pass it. But not with this one. I’m not very confident about it because of my performance when I was still studying. I had numerous absences and tardiness that not even my delinquent students could rival.

But man, I had the happiest moments of my life in those classrooms. I learned and enjoyed a lot. Thank you, Jivsy for telling me that I am beautiful and witty when my self-esteem was down to negative zero. Patrick, thank you for your encouragement and your endless text messages (even when I seldom replied). Sarrina and Jureca, you taught me a lot about friendship, stress, boyfriends, and weight-loss exercises. Paul, we’ll graduate together. Antoniette, you’ll make a good Mom. To my professors, you are all such an inspiration! Ma’am Che, thank you for being patient. Ma’am Tan, you’re the kind of English teacher that I want to be!

Hay, tani kapasar ko Compre! Whoever’s reading please include me and my classmates in your prayers. Kung kapasr me, mang treat ko hehe…

Happy Holidays to all!

I feel like time is chasing me… I’ve always considered myself a time-conscious person though not an efficient one. I’m trying to be efficient as much as possible about my life. I’ve set a time frame for myself that before I turn 24 I should already have my Master’s degree. At 28 I should have my Law degree and at 30 my Doctor’s degree. Ambitious, huh? Yep, I am. Then I just realized that I’m not just ambitious but also very SELFISH. I haven’t thougt about my Mom who I’ll turn to for my education funding. I haven’t thought about my sister who’ll probably feel more insecure with all those degrees nor of my dear Sheanna who’ll probably know her Tita Tin through pictures (as I presume that I’ll be too busy to even see her). I feel so inadequate that I thought all those degrees would make me feel better about myself. For sure it won’t make me richer. It won’t make me famous either. Then, why this time frame? I’m 24 now but I feel that I haven’t accomplished anything yet. I haven’t achieved anything great. I know, I know… these externals are so based and so shallow. You’d say that the most important things in life are friends and family, health, yadaa-yadaa… But I’ve always been alone. I’m too detached from my family (folks are separated). And I have very few friends. The only thing I have left is my career. Since that’s all I’ve got I’ve at least just pour myself into it. I’m a workaholic, I know. I’m drowning all my sorrows with the time I spend in school because deep down I’m actually a very lonely girl. While checking papers the red pen bleeds with me. While i’m inside the classroom yelling at the kids I’m actually yelling for help, yelling for the need to be loved. And all those things that I consider I don’t have–friendship and family ties.. they’re all what I really yearn for and not all those degrees.