uncle van’s cabin

I feel like time is chasing me… I’ve always considered myself a time-conscious person though not an efficient one. I’m trying to be efficient as much as possible about my life. I’ve set a time frame for myself that before I turn 24 I should already have my Master’s degree. At 28 I should have my Law degree and at 30 my Doctor’s degree. Ambitious, huh? Yep, I am. Then I just realized that I’m not just ambitious but also very SELFISH. I haven’t thougt about my Mom who I’ll turn to for my education funding. I haven’t thought about my sister who’ll probably feel more insecure with all those degrees nor of my dear Sheanna who’ll probably know her Tita Tin through pictures (as I presume that I’ll be too busy to even see her). I feel so inadequate that I thought all those degrees would make me feel better about myself. For sure it won’t make me richer. It won’t make me famous either. Then, why this time frame? I’m 24 now but I feel that I haven’t accomplished anything yet. I haven’t achieved anything great. I know, I know… these externals are so based and so shallow. You’d say that the most important things in life are friends and family, health, yadaa-yadaa… But I’ve always been alone. I’m too detached from my family (folks are separated). And I have very few friends. The only thing I have left is my career. Since that’s all I’ve got I’ve at least just pour myself into it. I’m a workaholic, I know. I’m drowning all my sorrows with the time I spend in school because deep down I’m actually a very lonely girl. While checking papers the red pen bleeds with me. While i’m inside the classroom yelling at the kids I’m actually yelling for help, yelling for the need to be loved. And all those things that I consider I don’t have–friendship and family ties.. they’re all what I really yearn for and not all those degrees.

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 1st, 2007 at 9:23 pm and is filed under ramblings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.