uncle van’s cabin

I blew up my high school demo at West this morning. My laptop was painfully slow, thus, the students and the teachers (my inquisitors) grew tired and restless of waiting for me. There wasn’t any technician to take care of the LCD. I told one of the teachers who is also my batchmate that I’d rather not go for it. He looked me in the eye and said, "Depende simu a." One of my inquisitors asked me if I have a Plan B. I actually didn’t have (I slept for only 2 hrs to make the powerpoint presentation). I decided to just go for it and halfway through it the laptop decided to work itself again (whew!). I finished the demo but I know that I just blew it. I hurriedly went to the QH building for my college demo. I told my old, lit prof not to ask me questions during my presentation and I’m glad she kept her promise.

I could say that my college demo was the best demo I’ve given so far. My topic was about vengeance with The Cask of Amontillado as my short story. Does God live in air-conditioned rooms only? Because at that very moment I felt like God was there with me (how come I didn’t feel Him in the non-airconditioned h.s building?). There I was talking about revenge with so much emotion that I felt I wasn’t entirely talking to my inquisitors but also to myself. I felt that in that very moment in the classroom God gave me the wisdom that I know I don’t even have. I felt so calm and light-headed. To top it all, the students were engrossed with what I had to tell them. They were interested and participative. I really appreciated that. Before I actually went inside, Sir Leo held my hands and whispered a prayer with me. When my demo’s over and it was already his turn I gave him a hug and thanked him profusely. I just met a very kind man. He even offered to help with my demo.

There were 6 applicants but they only need two part-time English instructors. I was the least qualified because I’m the only one without the Master’s degree and the least no. of years in the teaching profession. My interview lasted for about 10 min only while there’s lasted for half an hour… uh-oh…

I ate lunch with the rest of the applicants. Sirs Leo and Edgar teased me mercilessly about not having a boyfriend and for looking too young. I felt really tired at that time but I couldn’t stop laughing with Mam Carmen and the two Sirs. At that time we simply forgot that we’re actually competing for the position. With those people as my rivals, I’m not expecting to get the job anymore.

I may not get the job but I’m glad I gained some friends on that day.

Reality slapped me on the face when I received a sorry paycheck last April. I quit my job in ISA and so I have to deal with the measly pay I got in my new (old) job. I said old, new job because I went back to my  work prior ISA. I just decided to teach part-time because I want to enjoy my freedom for now and I want to review for the compre (yep, I got delayed again). Enjoy my freedom I do but not my salary. But really I’ve never felt relieved in my entire life! What do you need a big salary for when you’re slowly killing yourself? I miss my co-teachers though and most of all the kids. I can’t believed I came out of ISA still in one piece. I left some of my self-esteem there, however. I still get panic attacks every time my new boss approaches me. I know he’s different from the old boss but I’ve been conditioned for two years that if your boss will call you for something it only means that you’ve been a bad, bad employee. I still can’t understand why my old boss has to yell at his teachers. I once got starved because I stayed in his office to be reprimanded for two hours. That was lunchtime and when I said I was already hungry, he said, "That’s your fault!" I left a chunk of my self-esteem in his office that very day. There are many "yelling" instances but that calls for another write-up. I can’t stand being yelled at so I have to exit…

Reality kissed me on the face when I started working in Top’s again. I can go online all the time, I can study whenever I want, I can take a nap, I can jog in the mornings, I can answer my cellphone without getting anxious that it’s another nagging parent. I have all the time in the world. I don’t have to hurry myself with anything. I want to continue teaching though. I think I have more opportunity to grow if I teach in college. Teaching elementary is one tough job. It’s rewarding, too but I’d like to teach literature, research, higher grammar/linguistics, humanities, and education subjects this time. Subjects that I’m passionate about. My classmates and I are talking about taking our Ph.D’s in UPD this second semester this year but I have second thoughts about this plan because I’m not yet a seasoned teacher. Theory and practice must correlate. I don’t want to be such an ambitious ignoramus…

Reality pushed me when I realized the scope and width of my philosophical readings are not enough for me to even criticize a literature. There are too many -isms that have to be understood. I’m learning to love knowledge. Philosophy may seem an extraordinary subject yet so ordinary when stripped of its academic robe. It’s a world of abstract ideas and mental exercises yet it’s so tangible and full of flaws, too when already used in context. I sometimes question my beliefs after reading. Yesterday I was a Marxist feminist. Today I’m a progressive-humanist. Tomorrow, who knows?!

I’ve always been an idealist but reality’s slaps, kisses and pushes can no longer be ignored. Oh, well…